there is where i come from and where i am going

figuring out how to deal

figuringout how to deal

figuring out how to figure it out. how to keep on keeping on. 

howto figure it out. figuring out how to keep. figuring. 

out 

out. 

figuring a way out. 

Anonymous asked: You're lovely x

<3

No, I’ll just sit over here and panic about stupid stuff for no reason.

12/13/12

I didn’t forget about it. It actually snuck up on me, and maybe my day was busy. But there was a lot of self reflection. This year has been hard for me. The last few years. I’m getting old and fat and bitter, no denying. But when the moments are right i know I’m still beautiful. No one really says it to me anymore without a prompt. I’m not really good at asking for it, but I will on occasion. No one comes right out and calls me beautiful. A string of sexual relationships and nothing special. I tell men they are beautiful, now. Maybe it’s a time of not needing validation and instead giving. A time where I am old and wise and instead spread beauty in the world. I am trying to be aware of my effect on the world, but the trial and error is hard. I hurt a lot of people I care so so so much about this year. I also hope that I was a positive force in some people’s lives. New friends and loved ones. Old friends and family. It’s hard. Life has never come easy to me. I don’t figure things out and go with it. But there have been a lot of changes lately with the move here. Finally in the city with no car as of yesterday. Finally on the verge of something good. I need to take my adventures when they are in front of me. Make my own adventures. Be fierce and beautiful. And not let myself get me down. I am my own greatest opponent. And I am my own greatest ally. 13 years.

Anonymous asked: I love what you wrote about the show "Girls". Also, you still talk to an ex of yours? I have always found it hard to keep in contact with exes. I either still want to be with them and it makes me crazy to see them move on without me or I really just don't want anything to do with them. However, there is one girl I recently broke up with that I would love to keep in my life.I would love some advice and to know what the dynamics are between the two of you. Are you good friends?

i really wish you weren’t anonymous. 

Things can get really complicated watching exes move on without you. I have mixed feelings with it. I simultaneously am happy for them and am jealous and sad. 

That said, I think exes can definitely be friends. Maybe take some time not talking while you put yourselves into different categories in your life. I think there needs to be a mutual desire for friendship and one person can’t be left unrequited and wanting more. 

The ex that I vented about in the post I talk to occasionally and consider a kinda friend, but I really don’t hang out with him at all anymore since he is far away. When I did see him things were good, but sort of awkward. i think if I saw him more often things could be more friendly. I am friends with a lot of people who I have dated. But I also have no contact with a lot people who I have dated. It really depends on the person. Some people it was more of a friendship to begin with and we just kinda had sex also. and then thigns faded and drifted and they are good still. I’ll be honest, the two most biggest relationships of my life.. when I was totally in love and they both lasted 2 years each.. I have zero contact with those people and things ended badly and I don’t want to ever talk to either again. 

Anyway, come off anon and we can talk some more. Or if you don’t have a tumblr, send me your email address… 

And what did you like about what I wrote about Girls? I really just vented about the scene where she was too selfish to think that her hook-up could be more and she blamed him for not wanting to date her, but she really never took her head out of her ass long enough to ask him anything personal… 

shaynakin:

AmeriCorps is done. 

Now what?

having a hard time dealing with all of the mistakes i’ve made. 

how do you make years of hurting people, doing things wrong, being inconsiderate, being selfish and needy, not knowing boundaries, and being an idiot right? how do i become better?